Thinking About Work Life Balance When Removing A Child From A Home
Reflecting on removing a child from their home while at home with my family.
When people find out I worked in child welfare (as a Family Support Worker through Saint Francis Ministries) they often ask if it was hard not to bring work home with me. They ask about the mental and emotional toll with the job. Most of the time I was fine despite the nature of some of the clients and cases. However, there is one day that sticks out where I told Jana I needed some time before engaging with my family when I got home.
In telling this story I will keep people and details vague.
My supervisor tells me to be available to go with a Case Manager (CM) to remove a baby from their parent. The parent is unaware of the pending removal of their baby. We wait on a court order to proceed, and due to prior history with this parent and other children there is concern about the safety of the baby. There is also concern the parent might be a flight risk if they know their baby will be removed.
The CM and I work together on the same team so it is not out of the ordinary to go along with them. However, I am asked to go along with staff on other teams as well where there are safety concerns. I am asked to go because I am a man.
Most of the CMs I work with are women. Most of them are amazing, strong, and resilient. The nature of the work can bring a lot of unfiltered thoughts and emotions to the surface from the clients, especially if the client is under the influence. Sexist remarks. Racist remarks. Threats against their well-being. They can handle a lot and respond with strength and grace in these situations. They are heroes in our community. The hope from the Supervisor with me being there is the CM is empowered in the eyes of the client to do their job, face no threats, and have the situation go smoothly.
The court order is signed by the judge. The baby is to be removed from the parent. I come into the office and we start preparing. The CM is understandably nervous, but she is glad not to do it alone. The CM has worked with this parent for some time and multiple chances have been given to the parent. However, the parent shows no willingness to do the work they need to do to keep their child.
I have no idea what to expect, but hope and pray the situation will not escalate into something bad. Our Supervisor is not available to come along, but they share some wisdom. They have done before what we are about to do and understand the anxiety that comes with it.
The CM and I leave the office. As I drive, the CM and I discuss possible scenarios. We arrive at the address on the parent’s file. An adult answers and says the parent no longer lives there. The CM asks questions, but the adult is evasive and not in a mood to help us. We walk away and the CM gets a call from the parent. The parent asks why the police are questioning their friends about their whereabouts.
Police? Well, to some when you see two people show up to a home, in professional work clothing, wearing ID badges around their neck, who have not been seen in a neighborhood before, and you have a criminal history, some people think police. (I am told I will be considered police by different clients of diverse races.)
The CM shares that they are looking for them and not the police. The parent asks the CM why. The CM is vague but stresses the importance of seeing them today since it relates to their case. The parent does not like this answer, knows something is up, but is also trying to keep the peace with the CM.
The CM knows the client talked about moving to a new home. CM has the address so I drive us there. We ring the doorbell and knock on the door, but no answer. The CM and I are looking for signs the parent is living there. People from surrounding homes are watching us. The CM acknowledges this with me and says the parent will be told by someone. I can’t recall who called who, but the CM and the parent talk on the phone again. The parent wants to know why the CM wants to meet with them. The CM asks where they are right now so they can talk about their case. There is back and forth, but finally the parent shares the address they are at right now.
We drive to the third address. On the way there the CM updates our Supervisor and we all realize there is a good chance the police will need to be called. Our Supervisor goes over which number to call and what to say to expedite the process.
We get to the address and approach the door. The CM knocks and the parent comes to the door. The parent tells us the baby is not there, but doesn’t say where. The CM does a great job of trying to soften the blow of what is to come, but still when the CM says why she is there the parent gets angry. The parent has a sibling with them who is taller and bigger than them and they start yelling and approaching the CM. The CM is quite a bit shorter so I start moving closer. I try to be careful because I don’t want my presence to escalate the situation into a fight, but I’m concerned about what might happen to the CM. I don’t say anything while I move closer. The sibling yells at both of us now. The CM continues to respond with grace under fire, trying to explain how this does not help matters for a future reunification. The CM says they want the best for the parent and the baby.
The parent and sibling start making unfounded accusations about the CM and her work on the case. As the discourse declines, the CM says if they do not cooperate she will have to call the police. The parent is warned multiple times, but the parent does not comply. The two of them continue to yell at the CM. The parent also reiterates that the baby is not there and they are not telling us where the baby is.
They go back inside the home. The CM and I go back to the car. She calls the police. I take a picture of the parent’s car and license plate number before going back to the car. While talking to the police the person the CM is talking to tells the CM to call a different police number due to the situation. If I remember correctly, we started with 911 because of the emergency of the situation and being told by our Supervisor to start with that number. The person who took the call told us this situation needed to go to a different number. The CM is incredulous that she isn’t being transferred to the line, that she has to call a different number despite the situation we are in. She calls the other number and starts the process all over of explaining who she is, the situation, and what needs to happen.
As the CM is on the phone with the police, the parent and their sibling exit the home. They have the baby with them. They get in their car and drive away with the baby. The CM and I realize I will need to follow them. They speed away, and I do my best to follow them. The CM is talking to the police giving play-by-play of what is going on, and then she is processing with me what is appropriate for me to do as I drive after them in our work vehicle. While they speed away, I do not exceed the speed limit. I don’t run stop signs. Eventually, we lose sight of their vehicle.
We go back to the third address where we wait for the police to arrive. Two policemen arrive and we discuss with them who we are and what the situation is. While the police are concerned, they say there is nothing they can do. The CM and I share again there is a court order to remove the baby, that the parent is in violation of the court order, that the baby is at risk, that we have the details of the vehicle they are driving. I thought this might warrant an Amber Alert or something similar. According to these policemen, it does not. They say there is nothing they can do right now and tell us to contact the parent and locate them. Then, they can get involved once we find the parent and baby.
The police leave, and the CM is furious. I’m dumbfounded. Not at the two policemen, because those two are following their protocols, but the entirety of everything that has led to this point. Despite our emotions, we are concerned for the baby. The CM knows the parent is not going to respond to her calls or texts now. She tries, but gets no response from the parent. We begin to head back to the office. The CM asks, “What do we do now?”
Because it is on the way back to the office, I decide to drive by the second address we went to. It is worth a shot. We pull up, and we see the parent’s vehicle out front. There are a lot of people in the front yard, and it appears they are trying to gather things to move the parent and baby. I park down the street from the house, and the CM calls the police back. She explains the situation (again) and provides updates. Call ends, and then we wait for the police to show up. The same two policemen arrive on the scene and then we exit our vehicle to join them.
The parent starts yelling at the CM and making a scene. They and their sibling once again make false accusations about the CM and the case. The baby is not visible. There is a gathering crowd in the front yard as this takes place. The police do a great job of listening to the parent and making sure the situation does not escalate. The police acknowledge what the parent says, but reiterate there is a court order for the CM and me to remove the baby. The parent remarks if that happens they can’t go on living. Due to the nature of that remark, the police make it clear they need to go inside the home and make sure the baby is safe. The police are calm but resolute. The parent yields and allows the police to go with her inside the home without incident.
The CM and I wait while the police are inside with the parent. After some time, the police leave the home with the baby and give the baby to the CM. Four diapers are provided by the parent. The parent is asked if they want to send anything else with the baby, and we are told angrily, “Figure it out.”
The situation doesn’t resolve peacefully without those two policeman. The CM and I thank them for their help. One of them remarks how we are in this together and they respect the work the CM and I are doing here. If I recall correctly one of the policeman say, “We have it easy in this situation. It’s not often we aren’t the ones being yelled at by people.”
I notice how content the baby is despite the chaos surrounding her. I wonder about the underlying trauma they might have because of all this.
The CM, baby, and I go to a nearby Walmart to get clothes, diapers, and formula. Our Supervisor meets us there and we discuss the case as we get everything the baby and foster parent might need. We process our own thoughts and emotions. The Supervisor is encouraging and supportive of the CM and me. It is nice to hear after everything we experienced.
The CM and I take the baby to a foster home where the baby has an older sibling. The CM updates the foster parent on the situation. The foster parent is glad to help and has no problem “holding the line” when it comes to interacting with the birth parent. Paperwork is filled out, the baby’s items we purchased are brought in, and a walkthrough of the home happens. The baby? Now sleeping peacefully.
The CM and I leave and go back to the office. We encourage each other for the work done today, and are relieved the baby is safe.
Throughout the day I update Jana. After an eleven hour day I am glad to let her know I am on my way home. She says there is dinner waiting for me, and the boys are looking forward to playing with me. I tell her I need some time before I engage with the boys. She understands.
I get home and Jana and the boys are in the backyard playing. It’s getting dark. I sit on the deck, with a drink, reflecting on the day. I say a prayer. I realize how sad I am about what occurred. I go over everything that happened. We did our job right. I tell myself it is the right thing to remove the baby due to the parent’s actions and the nature of the case. It’s the right thing, and I’m still sad it had to happen. I think of what the future holds for the baby.
After some time, I get up and play with my boys. I’m smiling again. I am able to focus on my family. I pray for everything that transpired and everyone we encountered. I am able to sleep.
Thanks & Support
Thank you for taking the time to read this far. My time working in the child welfare system had its difficult moments, but you endure for the hope your work makes a difference in the lives of individuals and families. Like I said, many of the CMs I worked with are heroes. The pay isn’t much, the hours are obscenely long, the work is difficult, but many of them persevered for the betterment of our community.
During my time in child welfare I learned a lot that I thought could be applied to pastoral care work. I’m excited to be the Director of Care at One Hope Church now, and already I’ve been able to respond to pastoral care situations better because of my time working in child welfare.
While One Hope Church provides a monthly stipend, being a small, diverse church they aren’t able to pay me a full salary. I can raise support and you can give toward that. By clicking here and selecting me from the menu your financial gift can help me continue the care work at One Hope Church and in the surrounding Benson and North Omaha communities. You can also give directly through Venmo (@RamHatter), or there are other ways to give. There is one family we know that has boys older than our boys. When their youngest boy grows out of clothes and shoes they bag them up and give them to us. This has happened for nearly a decade. I don’t know how many hundreds of dollars have been saved through these gifts of boys’ clothes and shoes.
If you have any questions or comments, please share! Thanks again for reading.
